Leave Me ALONE, EDWARD!
by IHaveYourGoat
Summary: A poor girl named Jessica is saved by Edward Cullen, and immediately afterward is sucked into the plot of Twilight..unwillingly. This is not a Mary Sue! She's not sucked into the book or anything like that! Try it out! :D Rated for cursing and groping!


This is good ol' Twilight bashing...and if you enjoy that along with total randomness and madness then you'll probably enjoy this!

Read and review, please.

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I was minding my business, going about the day as I usually do on a Monday morning. I was headed across the parking lot when all of a sudden a huge car comes skidding over the iced parking lot, in a straight course towards me. I was expecting pain, and I even had time to clench my eyes shut and say, "Ow", right before the cold metal could maul me to death.

However, my ultimate boo-boo didn't occur. I was lying on the ground with an anemic looking guy with Johnny Bravo hair crouched in front of me with his hand embedded in the side of my doom maker, a.k.a. the car.

"You saved me," I said with disbelief, staring at the marvel right before me.

To my further surprise, he immediately contradicted me.

"No, I didn't."

I blinked.

"Yes, you did."

"No."

Getting angry, I sat up. "Yeah, you did."

"Nuh-uh."

"What are you? Five years old? Your hand is stuck in the bloody car door!" To prove my point, I jabbed my index finger at where he was currently struggling to pull his hand out of. He had the good grace to look sheepish before yanking his hand out. Almost immediately a huge swarm of drama-crazed students shouting and taking pictures with their cell phones surrounded us.

"Oh, my god, my car…" the driver of the vehicle groaned with his head still resting on the airbag.

Rolling my eyes at his disregard towards my safety, I focused my attention on the immature guy with freakish strength. "What are you….Batman?"

He winced a bit at that. "Adrenaline rush…Google it."

|Crossing my arms, I ignored the medics that had shown up on the scene and were currently wrapping something around my neck. "Bullshit."

He glared at me and I glared back.

"I'll tell you later." He gritted, his jaw clenching when I refused to break eye contact. Snorting, I rolled my eyes, "Like I haven't heard that before…"

"You hit your head."

I stared at him in disbelief as I was lifted unnecessarily onto a stretcher. "I'm fine!" I snapped at a guy readying chest paddles, a bit alarmed by his enthusiasm.

As I was wheeled onto the ambulance, I shook my fist at the pale Johnny Bravo haired guy staring at me with an amused look within the crowd.

~*()*~

"Oh, my gods, Bella, are you okay?"

I stared at the police officer before me, bewildered. "Who the hell are you?"

"She's got amnesia, Mr. Swan…because she hit her head." Johnny Bravo supplied helpfully, showing up suddenly beside the graying man who called me Bella.

"And who the hell are YOU?" I demanded, agitatedly. "I didn't HIT MY HEAD!" I screamed when they exchanged knowing glances.

The officer…Mr. Swan…raised his hands with an alarmed look. "Bella, honey, calm down…you're in good hands!" he told me, glancing around helplessly for probably the men in white coats with the Lala Land Juice. Frustrated, I threw the covers back and went to slide out of bed. Almost immediately, a good looking insomniac who looked like an actor from the cast of Love Hospital stepped into the room. Bright golden eyes fell on me, followed by a huge grin that showed up Rembrandt teeth.  
"Ah! Miss. Swan…how are you feeling?"

A gentle hand pushed me back into bed, and I glared up at the boy who had 'saved' me.

"Don't touch me." I grumbled, smacking the offending limb away. Turning towards the Doctor, I huffed, "I'm fine... …No broken bones…no concussion…so can you take this stupid thing off from my neck?"

He glanced at his clipboard, and hummed and hmmed for a moment. We all stared at him, waiting with bated breath for his response. Finally, he wrote something down and smirked, proudly. "Hah. Fool….eight across."

Face palming; I threw myself back on the pillows. A crossword…really…where did this guy get his license from?

"Ah, let me look at you a little." Dr…Cullen, I gathered from his name tag, strode across the small room with brisk steps before whipping off his stethoscope.

He reached up my shirt and stuffed his hand with it into my bra. I squawked and struggled against him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

Startled, he blinked at me. "Checking your heart and stuff…"

"You have to have your hand in my bra to do so?"

He shrugged. "It's optional." He admitted, easily, hooking the instrument back around his neck; he began to look me over. Well, really checking me out more than observing…since his eyes fell on and stayed at my crotch area. I shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny for a few agonizing moments before his eyes lazily flicked back up.

Suddenly his finger flicked my forehead.

"OW!"

He nodded, with a serious Doctor expression, following with him writting something on his clipboard. "Does your head hurt?"

"It does NOW!" I scowled, covering the abused flesh.

Again, he nodded knowingly before smiling brightly at me. "Well, you seem to be alright! A mild concussion, but nothing a little Tylenol and a glass of vodka wont cure."

"What?"

He ignored me, turning towards my father with that unnaturally white smile. "A clean bill of health! Your daughter was very lucky."

"I'm not his daughter."

Again, I was ignored. God….who the hell are these people?

"I'm going home."

Ripping the neck brace off, I jumped off the uncomfortable bed and scooted out of the room. Halfway down the hallway, I thought I had escaped when…

"You shouldn't be around me, Bella."

Freezing, I glared over my shoulder at Johnny Bravo. "Thanks for the advice. Now, stop calling me Bella."

"You hit your head."

I rolled my eyes and pointed up at the red mark on my forehead that would probably be a bruise later that night. "I got this from that weirdo doctor, Dr. Cullen."

"He's my father."

I stared at him with disbelief. "No, he isn't. That guy looks like he's twenty." I paused and studied him suspiciously. "And you don't even look like a high school student."

"Yes, I do."

Throwing up my hands, I continued on the way I was going. "Not this again!"

"Wait!"

He dashed in front of me, hands up, placating. "Listen. You can't tell anyone what happened."

"I wasn't going to." I deadpanned. He stared at me for a few minutes, unblinkingly, and I actually thought that this boy had sanity dawn on him before he let me down...

"Well, no one would believe you anyway." He said snidely.

Blinking, I shook my head and pushed past him. "Leave me alone, what's your face."

~*()*~

Eating lunch, ignoring everyone, wondering whether or not the girl in front of me is going to eat her tots…

"Bella."

Not this again.

Reining in my temper, I raised my eyes towards the one who had addressed me.

"It's Jessica, Ashley. We've known each other since fourth grade." I reminded the blond, tiredly.

"It's Edward Cullen…he's staring at you."

I didn't recognize the name, but it didn't take a genius to figure out who would be weird enough to do it.

Following the direction of her pointing finger, my eyes fell on the anemic guy with cartoon hair. He smirked at me, and crooked his finger in a 'come hither' gesture, while mouthing, "You."

He has got to be joking...

"Does he mean you?" Ashley asked with disbelief and a bit of undisguised jealousy.

Rolling my eyes, I ignored Edward and bit into my pizza. "No, he means you" I told her, swallowing the cheesy goodness.

"He looks angry."

I grunted and continued to eat.

"He looks _really_ angry." Ashley continued, a bit nervously. Annoyed, I put down my pizza and slurped my milk.

"He can bite my ass."

Silence followed at my table, and I was halfway through my pizza when the shouting began.

"BELLA!"

I dropped my pizza, my fingers going numb, in disbelief.

"_BELLA!_

He was shouting for me across the cafeteria, the freak! Ashley shifted uncomfortably in her seat as the rest of the mass turned in unison in their seats, their attention zeroing in on me.

Slumping, I tried to disappear…didn't help when he continued to holler, growing louder and louder with each syllable.

"FINE!" I screamed, shooting to my feet and knocking over my milk.

Five minutes later...

"You shouldn't be around me."

I grumbled, taking a bite out of my pizza. It did no good to reason with this guy. He was set on stalking me while warding me off at the same time. A living, breathing contradiction.

He spun the top between his fingers, before accidentally dropping it. He immediately picked it up, resuming as if it didn't happen. I ignored it.

"I can't stay away from you."

Looking up at him from beneath my lashes, I snorted. "I know."

"I guess…if I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

Blinking, I began to regard him with real concern. "Uh…you aren't off or on any medicine, are you?" I asked, warily.

He shook his head, suddenly clenching the top. "I'm dangerous."

"I noticed that, too."

Growling, he slammed the top down, I jumped. "This is not a game! I…" Taking a deep breath, he calmed and suddenly his scary demeanor switched to mischievous cheerful. Bipolar, much? "So…any new theories…?"

"Uh…theories?"

Leaning towards me, across the table, he prompted, "With your guessing as to what I am?"

"What?"

I was at a total loss. Just a week ago, this guy was insisting he was a completely normal person who experienced one hell of an adrenaline rush….and now he was asking for theories on what he was. What? And who says I'm even researching this guy?

"Are you gay?" I guessed, tentatively.

He smirked. "Radioactive spiders…that seems rather childish…" he teased, his gold eyes flashing with mirth.

Frowning, I rubbed my cheek. "I didn't say anything about radioactive spiders."

He continued to lean forward, his voice turning breathy and his eyes hooding with barely concealed lust…which sprouted from what I do not know. Maybe the guy _was_ taking something.

"Um." _Personal space… _I thought, squeaking.

"What if I'm not a good guy…what if I'm…a villain?"

I glanced away, then back at him, uncomfortably. "Then I would call the cops."

He stared at me, golden orbs boring into me before he whispered so softly, I could barely make it out... "Your brown eyes are so pretty.."

Suddenly, he stood, eyes flashing down at me. "You shouldn't be around me."

I watched, flabbergasted, as he strode quickly away from me and out of the cafeteria. Suddenly I realized the huge room was empty. Sighing, I returned to my lunch.

"My eyes are blue, dumbass."

~*()*~

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Are you going to the dance?"

"No."

"Are you going to the Dance, Bella?"

"_No." _

"Hey, Bella-"

"NOOO!" I screamed, throwing my backpack at the boys crowding behind me and I made a run for my car. Yanking the door open, I threw myself in and locked the door.

Thrusting the keys in, I turned them swiftly and my car roared to life. Sighing with relief, I watched as the fan crowd dispersed. What was with everyone? Calling me Bella, asking me to a dance…what the fudge nuggets?

I pulled out of my space but was suddenly cut off by a car in front of me, parked and waiting. Glaring, I recognized the driver as Edward. He stared at me and smiled, laughing.

I glared and flipped him the middle finger.

An hour later...

"I'm home!"

"Welcome back, Bella!" I stared at the familiar person in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing in my house? GET OUT OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE." I shouted, pulling out my mace.

He stared at me for a moment. "I am the police."

"FUDGE."

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Lol. Hope you liked it. I'm skipping from scene to scene...I like randomness. Sorry. Please review, if you liked it.


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